The Grumpbutts
“It’s time, its finally time. Wake up, family, wake up! It’s the first day of summer.”
“Why do you care? You love school.”
“True, but today is the day we finally leave.”
The Grumpbutts are a … different family — let’s call them that. Different from other families and different from each other. Although, they do all have one thing in common.
Helga, the mother, is, well…temperamental at some (being all) times. And, well, she hates other people. Earl, the dad, is active, healthy, and fit, but he hates other people. Bertha, the oldest of the kids, loves school and working hard, but she hates other people. Periwinkle, the middle kid, is, well, a little, how do I put it, emo, and she hated people. Lastly, Harold, the youngest kid, is the “special” one of the family, and by special I mean be had problems and he hated people.
Ok, can you now tell what they have in common?
Pop quiz:
1. Who is emo?
2. Who’s the youngest?
3. Who’s fit?
4. Who said the first line of the story?
5. Lastly, what’s the mom’s name?
Ok, let’s get on with the story. Since the Grumpbutts hate people, every summer they go to their own little island, and not talk to anyone but each other for the whole summer. But families have problems, and this one has a lot. Ok, so (weeewu), oh yeah, before I continue, I just wanted to tell you that I’m not going to say “Harold said” or “said Bertha” or anything like that in the story. I want to see how well you know the characters. Ok, so (weeewuuu)…
“Earl, it’s time to go. Are you ready?”
“I think we should jog there instead to get the exercise. And it looks like you need it, Helga.”
“Ok, everybody ready?”
“Ready to run.”
“Ready for some fun.”
“Ready to kill myself.”
“Ha-ha, Periwinkle, you rhymed.”
“Ok, let’s go.”
Hiya, it’s me again. Ok, so, right now the Grumpbutts are at the airport and from here on, the story just goes down hill. Ok, so (weeewuuu)…
“I’m sorry, but knives are not allowed on the plane.”
“But what if I want to stab myself? Fine.”
“Take off your shoe.”
“I’m not taking off my shoes. You take off your shoes.”
“Ma’am, I need you to take off your shoes.”
“No.”
“Máam, I don’t want call security on you.”
“Go head, call!”
*******
“Pa, why do we have to wait in security? I’m bored.”
“Why don’t you do your summer homework to entertain yourself?”
“Already done.”
“It’s the second day of summer.”
“I know. Aren’t you proud of me?”
“Yeeeeaaaah.”
“Where are Perry and Ma?”
“Ummm, son, they’re getting strip-searched.”
“Ha-ha, strip.”
*******
“4.99? Why not just make it 5 dollars? I don’t have 99 cents flaunting around in my pocket.”
“Well, ma’am, you can just pay with a 5-dollar bill.”
“Well, then I’d have a coin clinging along I’m my pocket.”
“Well, we do have a tip jar.”
“Yeah, and its empty. What a surprise!”
*******
“You are now free to roam about the cabin.”
“Ha-ha, Daddy, it’s time.”
“Oh no, not again. Come on, Harold, grab my hand.”
“Ha-ha! Okie-dok…”
“Never mind, I’ll just carry you. Here we are… Well, aren’t you going to go in?”
“Ha-ha! No.”
“Oh, come on, Harold, you’re 10 years old. I can’t keep going in there with you.”
“No, that’s not it, Daddy. I already went.”
“But a few seconds ago at the seat, you said you had to.”
”:) I know.”
“UGHHHH, Harold, these are a brand new pair of pants. Ughhhh.”
*******
“Peanuts? Peanuts? Excuse me, little boy. Would you like some peanuts? :D.”
“No, it’s ok. I already peed on my dad’s nuts.”
“Ok then :). Little girl, would you like some peanuts? :D”
“Nah, but do you have something sharp like a knife that I could borrow?”
“Ah! :). Young lady would you like something to drink? :D.”
“No, thanks, but do you have something I could read like the Bible or a dictionary?”
“Ah, no. : \ . Would you like something to drink, sir? :D.”
“Do you have a protein shake or Gatorade or something?”
”Ah, no. : | What about you, miss? Ah, miss, … excuse me, ma’am.”
(Earl turns off Helga’s iPod.)
“WHAT?”
“Would you like something to drink? :D.”
“Yes, your eternal organs, GROUND up in a blender. Then your heart SHOVED into a juicer until they’re nice and squishy. Now, GO EAT YOURSELF. :D.”
“Right away, máam. :O … Note to self: don’t talk to that family again.
*******
(Singing) “We hope you enjoyed your flight, and thank you for choosing Southwest… Airlines. Thank you very much.”
“Well, we were until you started singing thank YOU very much.”
“You may now unbuckle.”
“Ha ha! Ok.”
*******
“Um, Harold, where are your pants?”
“On the plane.”
“Why?”
“She said unbuckle.”
“Pants or no pants we’re going to keep going. Ready, family?”
“Ready.”
“Ok. Let’s go!”
What will happen to the Grumpbutts now that they’ve arrived at their destination? Will the Grumpbutts ever learn to like people? Will Harold ever find his pants? Will Earl ever get new and non-peed-on pants? Find out in The Grumpbutts 2!
